The trouble I have trusting God

September 14, 2012 — Leave a comment

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Here’s a snapshot of the sort of conversation I have with God on a regular basis:

Me: “Hi God, it’s James.”
God: “I know.”
Me: “Oh yeah. Right. Anyway. How’s it going?”
God: “Tell me about you.” (No matter how many times I ask God how his life is, he seems pretty reluctant to reply.)
Me: “Well there’s a few things bothering me, some of which I’m sure you can deal with, but a couple of which I’m not sure you’d really…you know…get.”
God: “You don’t think I’d get them?”
Me: “Nah, you wouldn’t understand.”
God: “Try me.”
Me: “It’s OK, I’ll figure it out myself. It’s better that way.”
God: “Alright then. Let me know how that goes.”
Me: “Will do. Have a good one.”
God: “OK. Peace out.”

***

When it’s written out like that, it seems the most ridiculous thing in the world to say there are some things I don’t trust God with.

But the reality is, this is something I desperately struggle with. I find it hard to hand over to God things which are troubling me, things which I can’t see panning out well. I don’t mind handing over the things that are going well but when it comes to giving major decisions to God – crossroad moments – I usually retract my offer.

Why? I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t trust God. There’s just something in me that thinks I can do it better.

Which isn’t true.

But still I do it. So I’m shaping my prayers to make sure I hand these things over. I’m making sure I tell God what is really going on with me (he knows anyway) rather than trying to hide things so I don’t have to tell him.

Slowly, it feels like it’s working. Very slowly. Like a child learning to walk, I have a couple of steps of progress followed by a fall.

But it’s still progress.

***

“Prayer is not asking. Prayer is putting oneself in the hands of God, at His disposition, and listening to His voice in the depth of our hearts.” Mother Teresa

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